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Old 08-07-09   #121
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Re: Random joke of the day !


Beating the employment 'trap; enjoy it…


Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room.
One candidate is our Kutty.

Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave.

2000 people leave the room.

Kutty says to himself,
'I do not know JAVA, but I have
nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try !'

Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more
than 100 people may leave.

2000 people leave the room.

Kutty says to himself
'I never managed anybody by
myself, but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can
happen to me ?' So he stays.

Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may
leave.

500 people leave the room.

Kutty says to himself,

'I left school at 15, but what
have I got to lose ?' So he stays in the room.


Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo-Croat to leave.

498 people leave the room.

Kutty says to himself,

'I do not speak one word of Serbo-Croat but what do I have to lose ?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate; Everyone else has gone.


Bill Gates joined them and said

'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'


Calmly, Kutty turns to the other candidate and says 'Naattil Eviddeya?' (Malayalam for - "where are you from?")

The other candidate answers… 'thrissur' (Reply - "thrissur")

----------------------No offence to Mallus ------------------------
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Old 08-07-09   #122
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Re: Random joke of the day !

They have mutliple versions of this joke with different characters - surds, mumbaikars etc
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Old 08-07-09   #123
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Re: Random joke of the day !

Yep ! Read it thrice before. But you can say, it sure is an Indian.

Originally Posted by stonedsurd View Post
They have mutliple versions of this joke with different characters - surds, mumbaikars etc
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Old 09-07-09   #124
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Re: Random joke of the day !

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
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Old 09-07-09   #125
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Re: Random joke of the day !

nice laws mate....
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Old 10-07-09   #126
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Re: Random joke of the day !

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Old 19-07-09   #127
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Re: Random joke of the day !

Use the wrong word, and you may regret it for life

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But
have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very
serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will
change your life forever!"

"I'm
aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book
me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So
Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very
slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same
way..

"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "$hit! THAT'S the word!
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Old 21-07-09   #128
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Re: Random joke of the day !

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

'Tarzan not know $ex' he replied.

Jane explained to him what $ex was.

Tarzan said 'Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.' She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. 'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her hard in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'check for bees.'
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Old 21-07-09   #129
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Old 31-07-09   #130
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Re: Random joke of the day !

Rivalry

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company.

In 2000, the support staff whipped the marketing department soundly. But the marketing department showed how they earn their keep by posting this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

“The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2000 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game.”
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Old 02-08-09   #131
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Re: Random joke of the day !

Hahahahaha. Must've been the M$ PR team.
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Old 02-08-09   #132
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Re: Random joke of the day !

I really believe that the Marketing Team was better after I read that statement !

Originally Posted by stonedsurd View Post
Hahahahaha. Must've been the M$ PR team.
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Old 02-08-09   #133
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Re: Random joke of the day !

there is mine

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."
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Old 02-08-09   #134
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Re: Random joke of the day !

here is another 1

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"

"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."

"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"

"Does anyone know another word."

"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.

"OK Mike, what is your word."

"Saturday." says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."
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Old 02-08-09   #135
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Re: Random joke of the day !

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician
asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She
points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is
already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't
care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the
viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied..
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you
spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in
shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive
blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a
black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he
looked nice. . . . . .. . ...

So I just switched the heads.'
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